i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
