I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize