just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
