so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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