Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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