Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
