Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
