saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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