he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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