How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
