She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
