just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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