I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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