I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
