so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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