I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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