I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
