Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
