mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
