Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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