someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
