The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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