yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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