I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
