i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
