ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
