There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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