He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
