Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
