If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
