did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
