now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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