Your favorite bartender is back from prision
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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