You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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