I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
