I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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