But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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