Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
