the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
