I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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