Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize