No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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