Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i barfeds in our rink
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize