so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
