You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
