3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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