Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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