Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
