Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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