I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Screwed.edu
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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