I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
