i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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