im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
