The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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