my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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