I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
