Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
