just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
