2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
