I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
